Exploring Attachment Theory: How Different Styles Shape Relationships
We are all born the same: small, helpless beings who have to rely on our caregivers for everything. We are not physically or emotionally capable of caring for ourselves and must depend on others - our mothers, fathers, grandparents, etc. - to do it for us.
Research suggests that your earliest emotional bonds with your primary care-giver - most often your birth parents - will shape the health of your future relationships. This phenomenon - called attachment theory - claims that if a parent can be relied on for comfort and attention, the child is more likely to form stable connections when they’re older. However, if the parent does not provide stable care - whether this means they provide negative attention or no attention at all - the child is more likely to struggle to form healthy relationships into adulthood.
There are countless scientific studies regarding attachment theory, but the most famous example is from an experiment conducted in 1969 called the Strange Situation. This study, which shaped our views of attachment types today, showed a baby (ages 12 months to 18 months) and their parent playing together. The parent would leave the room and return a few moments later to measure that child’s reaction. How the children reacted revealed how the baby is used to their caregiver attending their needs. We will touch on their studied reactions later in this article.
This experiment resulted in the four different types of attachment styles we know today: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These attachment styles are normally developed between the ages of 6 months to 2 years old. Keep in mind that these styles exist on a spectrum; you may find yourself relating to more than one or none at all, or you may experience different attachment styles for your different relationships.
Secure Attachment
In the Strange Situation experiment, babies with a secure attachment were reported to become upset when their parent left the room, and were easily comforted upon their return. These babies showed understanding that their parent is somebody they can rely on, and found comfort upon their return. This occurs when a caregiver consistently fulfills the child’s emotional and physical needs.
Into adulthood, people with secure attachment styles are often more emotionally mature, secure, and self-assured. If you have a secure attachment style, you probably appreciate and recognize your own self-worth and have an easier time opening up to people. You openly seek comfort and support from your partners, but don’t get overwhelmed when you’re apart. And when faced with disappointments or setbacks in your relationships, you’re resilient and always bounce back.
Anxious Attachment
Babies who developed anxious attachment styles were shown to become very upset when their parent left the room, and were difficult to comfort upon their return. This style is often formed between a child and an inconsistent caregiver; it develops when a baby recognizes that they cannot consistently rely on their parent to be physically or emotionally available. The parent is not consistent to meeting the baby’s needs, so the child becomes agitated and is not easily calmed by the return of their caregiver.
An adult with an anxious attachment style may appear “clingy” or “needy.” They may want to be in a relationship, but they have a hard time fully trusting or relying on their partner. When they are in a relationship, they may become overly-fixed on this person and have a harder time observing boundaries; they often see the need for space as a threat, provoking fear that their partner no longer wants them. They may need constant reassurance, and may become anxious or jealous when they are apart from their partner.
Avoidant Attachment
In the experiment, babies with avoidant attachment types barely reacted - or didn’t react at all - when their parent left or returned. This is formed when a caregiver does not give sufficient emotional support to their baby. The caregiver’s responsiveness may end with the baby’s physical needs, believing that simply feeding and bathing is enough for the child’s development, without providing emotional support. In this environment, the child learns to not rely on others for their emotional needs.
In adulthood, this can present itself as being overly independent. The adult finds it difficult to accept emotional intimacy, and may withdraw when someone tries to get too close. They often feel uncomfortable with emotions, and partners may accuse them of being closed-off. They are prone to disregard their partner’s feelings as well as their own, and prefer casual relationships to more intimate ones. They prefer keeping a distance from others.
Disorganized Attachment
Babies with disorganized attachment were more erratic to their parents leaving or returning; their incoherent behavior included freezing up or hitting their heads on the ground. As the least common style, this forms through a particularly tumultuous childhood, ruled by fear or trauma. This may result from an abusive or incoherent relationship with the caregiver, and can lead to irrationality and unpredictability in relationships.
Adults with this attachment style likely never learned how to self-soothe their emotions, so relationships and the world can feel unsafe. If this was formed through abuse, they may be more susceptible to replicating the abusive patterns of the caregiver. They may find relationships unsettling, swinging from extreme emotions of love and hate for their partners. This may lead to selfish, controlling, and untrusting acts, resulting in abusive behavior. This person is more likely to abuse substances and find it incredibly difficult to take responsibility for their own actions. And while they may crave the safety of a fulfilling relationship, they believe themselves unworthy of love and afraid of being hurt again.
There are many reasons why your caregiver may not have been successful in creating a secure attachment bond. This could include:
Having an inexperienced caregiver lacking in the necessary parenting skills
Your caregiver struggling with mental health, resulting in withdrawing from the caregiver role
A caregiver who struggles with substance abuse
Traumatic experiences that may have interrupted the attachment process
Physical neglect, such as poor nutrition and medical neglect
Emotional neglect of abuse - meaning your caregiver may have been verbally abusive or ignored your emotional needs altogether
Physical or sexual abuse
Separation from caregiver due to illness, death, or divorce
Frequent moves
No matter the cause, your attachment style does not have to rule your relationships. If you recognize that you or your partner have an insecure attachment style, you do not have to subject yourself to the same patterns. It is possible to develop a more secure attachment style as an adult through therapy. An experienced therapist can help you unravel your past emotional experience and become more secure. The steps may include boosting your emotional intelligence, developing relationships with those who are securely attached, and resolving your childhood trauma. Your past does not have to rule your present. With a little bit of work, you can find yourself in a more secure relationship with others and yourself.